Enough is enough sports fans and since we thrown the ashes of Ron Mahay over the edge of the ship, let us have some fun. As punishment for an abysmal season, we shall fill out a line-up card that places current members of the squad in positions that they would hate to play. We are going for misery here, the good old fashioned suffering kind (as in making Jeremy Affeldt throw hay bales without gloves…we’ll show you what real blisters look and feel like, Jeremy.)
1. Bryan Pena CF
I actually kind of like Pena, but it would be nice to see his dumpy butt have to run out to center field every inning. By the fifth, he should have to race Sluggerrr to the centerfield wall. First one to touch the 400 sign wins. Morning line favorite is Sluggerrr.
2. Mark Teahen C
Yes sir, I want pretty Markus to have to strap on the old shin guards. Then I want Kyle Farnsworth to work on his split finger pitch on a particularly bad day (like after he has blown 9,023,402,398 consecutive holds), in a sauna, using the thin little Wilson chest protectors, after a Jeep Jamboree has occurred in front of the plate, and I want Mark to BLOCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE THEM. For every ball that he doesn’t block to land squarely in front of the plate, his punishment will be to drive in a run from third base with less than two out. That should scare him to death.
3. Josh Anderson, 3B
If Josh thinks that ground balls hit to him in the outfield are tough (particularly the kind that he ends up kicking enough to lend the other team an inside the park home run), well Josh will take great solace in holding down the old hot corner with Bruce Chen pitching and Vladimir Guerrero up to bat on a 2-0 count. And Josh….take away the bunt, would you please.
4. Zach Greinke, Team psychologist
Actually Zach loves to hit and unfortunately would probably be an adequate four hole on this team, so this one doesn’t really count. We don’t call him Zoloft Greinke for nothin’.
5. Billy Butler, SS
This one is easy, but watching Pugsly give chase to balls up the middle and have to dive and stuff might take my eyes of Sluggerrr for an inning or two. Plus, I’ll bet Billy’s under pressure double play turn is lightening quick. Fifteen cleat-marks on the thigh later, maybe Billy will give jumping after he throws a whirl.
6. Dayton Moore, 1B
Attempting dig Mr. Anderson’s throws from shallow left, because that’s how scared he is and Billy’s standard four hopper across diamond, in conjunction with some Dr. Greinke’s prescription pills, might cause Dayton to quit signing people like Kyle Farnsworth, Bruce Chen and Ron Mayay. Oh, and don’t forget Mark Teahan’s snap throw from the knees.
7. Jose Guillen, Bud Light Vendor
Actually I would pay $500 to make Jose tramp up a whole bunch of stairs, in the KC August heat, wielding a cooler of beers, yelling at the top of his lungs and then come over to me, twist one off, and smile while I tip him the bottle cap. Jose might get in shape on this one, strengthen up those hamstrings and reduce his backyotomy rate by half. In reality anything requiring effort would work here….and Jose, could you get me the really cold one at the bottom please.
8. Mike Jacobs, 2B
I don’t have anywhere else to put him, but you know in the movie Major League when Willie Mays Hays has to do ten pushups every time he hits a pop up in batting practice? Well, we’ll do the same with Mike. Every time he doesn’t hit a home-run or double, he has to go a day without chewing Red Man. Heads up Durry Inn.
9. Yuniesky Betancourt, P
Wait a second, this is his natural position. He’s lazy, has a good arm, no range and can’t hit his rear-end with either hand. Solid middle relief is on the way in 2012, in Mr. Betancourt and Tony Pena Jr.
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