Christmas Wish List

Right now the Royals appear to be heading toward finding the standard lackluster gifts under the christmas tree; Jason Kendall is so far the most exiting thing and he´s about the equivalent of a paisley striped tie from JC Penny that your out-of-touch grandma bought you. The new Teahen players may turn out to be somewhere along the lines of a $20 Itunes gift card but its still too early to tell. If you´re a Royals fan this might be something like your wish list...

- Jose Guillen offers to play for free this year and donates the previous year´s salary to finding a center fielder.

- Billy Butler kisses a frog and wakes up to look like Frank Thomas in his prime

- Jason Kendall pulls an Aaron Boone and breaks his leg while riding his Harley thus nullifing his contract

- Gil Meche discovers the value of Eastern Medicine and acupuncture cures his back forever

- After Tommy John surgery Mike Aviles becomes the Royals go to flame throwing set-up man

- Matt Holliday decides he really loves the Power and Light district in KC and Scott Boras agrees to pay him out of his own pocket

- Trey Hillman just can't find good sushi in KC and returns to the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters in Japan

- David Glass checks his financial records and realizes that Wal-Mart has had a few good years and adds $100 Mil to the payroll this year, but the best part is Royals Fans (not Dayton Moore) get to vote on where to spend the money.

Apparently Royals fans have been the Naughtiest fans in baseball for 20 some years now, what is it that those Yankee fans have been doing, maybe to Santa we really are the "fly over states"?

long lost brothers?

I think this is the only viable explanation for the Jason Kendall signing, basically Tokyo Trey wants an extension of himself and his facial hair on the field at all times.

Of anything that could have come out of the Royals winter meetings this has to be the most ho-hum result possible; the signing of rent-a-catcher Jason Kendall. We signed a guy who is good at "calling pitches" a guy who has a lot of "experience", is going to be a "club-house leader", you get the idea nothing tangible just a lot of speculation and the bonus is we get him for two years not just one. I'm starting the over/under on DL stints with the Royals at 3, any takers on the under?

Rumor Time/My proposed blockbusters

Wouldn´t being a Basball GM be fun, really what other professional sports executives get to have more fun with their Jobs. It is just like the good old days of trading my Topps Barry Bonds rookie card for your Score Don Mattingly - only you get paid, put up in hotels, eat steak dinners and get to hang out with your buddies all night (mom can´t tell you it is time for dinner).

With the seeming calm before the storm (winter meetings) the best thing we've got are rumors and things we as fans would like to see (deep down we´re the best GMs for our team)

So far the Royals have actually been fairly prominent in the rumor mill despite having such a limited arsenal to play with. Lets explore the best rumors and then take a look two flawless trade options that could make the Royals dominant next year.

The best rumor - in terms of Royals' benefit - was the proposed Jose Guillen to the Mets for Angel Pagan. Would any one have honestly objected even if the Royals had to pay $11 of the $12 Mil owed to Guillen this year in order to get a seemingly serviceable and possibly a very valuable young center fielder? This could have erased all of Dayton Moores hiccups from last year but...it was too good to be true (see story)

Alberto Callaspo has been in more rumors than Roy Halladay ever since the Royals acquired another young second baseman. Now Dayton had to come out with the standard "we are not shopping him" SuperGM-tough-guy-statement right before the meetings to try and get max value for a player that they have almost forced themselves into trading (see story). That everyone knows the Royals need to trade him for something of equal value makes this the most interesting wait and see trade they have pending.

The Royals are in hot persuit of Erik Bedard (no lefty in rotation equals death) an oft injured former quality starter who might have some potential upside. Basically a more expensive Bruce Chen. If he really is healthy, no way the Royals outbid other clubs (see story).

The best one - in terms of what the hell are you thinking - is the team's interest in Pudge. Seriously Royals, Dayton please see Benito Santiago from a few years back (see story).

Now, drum roll please, here are the two trades that would change the team, with as much upside and as little downside as possible, based on the realistic conditions of the trade market (no Pujols for Guillen tomfoolery) and keeping it interesting no minor league deals here we want to see something on Sportscenter:

Trade #1:

Royals give/Cubs get: Jose Guillen, John Buck, Alberto Callaspo

Cubs give/Royals get: Milton Bradley, Geovany Soto, Sean Marshall

Result: Teams swap problem children, Royals lose money but might get what they pay for in the end as well as getting a catcher with lots of upside and possibly the lefty they want for the risk of the extra money. The Cubs get cheap offense from Callaspo and Buck might hit 30 homers in Wrigley, not to mention getting rid of a player they can't keep without having to eat his contract.

Trade #2:

Royals give/Mets get: Gil Meche, Josh Anderson, Mike Jacobs

Mets give/Royals get: Oliver Perez, Angel Pagan

Result: Teams swap expensive contracts (Both are owed 2yrs/$20+ mil), the Mets get the benefit because Gil is much less risky than Ollie but for that they have to give up Pagan and sweep up the Royals trash. The Mets can then decide if they want to experiment with Jacobs at 1B and get a very good #2 starter behind Johan for a couple of years. The Royals possibly get the steady-Eddie CF they desperately need and a potentially dominant lefty starter behind Grienke.

The Odds of these happening are a million to one but with these trades the Royals might actually resemble a professional ball club and wouldn't really be any worse for the wear. Dayton please contact the Powder Blue Room if that assistant GM jobs becomes vacant.

I just WAR-ed myself!!!

Seriously when I saw this I BABIP-ed down my leg, I choked on my own wOBA and I was laughing so hard that I had RAR coming out of my nose...

Royals fans and fans of FanGraph (and advanced statistics) I bring this to your attention; Kyle Farsworth had a decent year, nothing special but about what was expected of him, this according to FanGraphs! Anyone who watched the Royals this year should be shocked by this mathmatically unbiased conclusion drawn from complex formulas and such. These guys hate saves and holds so much that they have to live with the folllowing conclusion: Kyle Farnsworth had a better year than Carlos Marmol.

Marmol: SV-15; HLD-27; IP-74.0; ERA-3.41; BAA-.170
Farny: SV-0; HLD-5; IP-37.1; ERA-4.58; BAA-.287

These are the UN-advanced numbers of the two which tell you that Marmol is infinitely better, however through some myriad of advanced statistic gathering this is what FanGraphs says:


Marmol: RAR-5.5; WAR-0.6; Dollars-$2.6 Mil
Farny: RAR-6.8; WAR-0.7; Dollars-$3.0 Mil

RAR (Runs Above Replacement); WAR(Wins Above Replacement); Dollars (actual value)

Are you +WPA-ing serious you have to be out of your REW-ing mind!

Just thought I would bring it up since it seems to be one of those curious instances where advanced stats miss something (or maybe we all missed something while watching Farny, good year big guy looking forward to having you back in 2010???)

Vacation Time!!!

Right after Turkey Day and before or during Christmas seems to be the perfect time for any major leaguer to take a nice vacation and spend some of his hard earned bucks. The Royals are not exactly the A-Rod sit front row at a Lakers game types however surely they get out of KC and have a little fun. The following is an attempt to predict where these guys will spend some free time before getting back to the daily grind of jogging poles and taking ground balls in the brutal climate of Surprise, Arizona.

Buck and Farny: Some how I see these guys in a similar vein, maybe it is because both will have long major league careers with few overly outstanding moments but if you are capable of throwing 95mph then you are a middle reliver for life making a cool few mil per for as long as your body holds out similarly if you are a catcher who can hit a homerun every now and again you will have a job for the same period of time redardless of ever accomplishing anything that stands out. I´ve narrowed down Buck and Farney to three options. The first is Ice fishing in Canada with their buddies, just a good exuse to throw away around $20K to take home a 20lb Nothern Pike and get drunk with the exuse that Jack Danies keeps you warm. Second, I´m betting that at least one of these guys has 500 acres somewhere west of the Mississippi solely dedicated to shooting things, deer, Elk, Bald Eagles it doesn´t really matter a nice gun colection is a good way for any pro athlete to flush his money. The third guess is that they think they need to get some sun with thier ladie friends and their idea of sun & fun is to call their travel agent and buy a nice classy all-inclusive Cruise. $10-15K gets you a great view, a hot tub in the room, free champagne and as many dead animals as you can eat, not to mention plenty of stops at places called San Something where they can play golf while hunny-bunny gets some rays. These guys seem pretty predictable so moving on...

Grienke: Who knows??? With this guy anything is possible, my best guess is that he goes early to Arizona for Spring Training and tries to hustle pro golfers for money.

Mitchy: Mitchy seems like he might have a little outdoor dude in him, so he goes to Jackson Hole to shred some slopes and look for Snow Bunnies.

Willie: Honey get the Kids we´re going to Disney Land, Thanks Dad we love you!!!

Jose: This man now has a house in his home DR that rivals Bill Gates and Martha Stewart pads. What he does with his money is to blow it on additions to the house; this year he thinks he needs to get in shape so he intalls a $500K Gym complete with full time trainers and live Daddy Yankee concerts for inspiration. He also decided his kids needed a Zoo.

Billy and Alex: These two still haven't got their big pay days but I'll bet they save just enough every year to hit up Florida for a nice two week resort and spa package, basically the college spring breaks they never got to have.

Gil: Another wild card, he's got the ways and means, but seems like a bit of a workaholic. I'm thinking Gil is a closet foodie and oenophile, so he jets off to Napa Valley to spend a week in a nice rustic house while touring the vineyards and racking up $1000 dinner bills like DL stints. This year Gil was particularly impressed with the Pinot Noirs but the 2004 Sancerre he had was "out of this world" and the Braised Bison with Pine Nut Chimichurri he had at his favorite restaurant gave him a hard-on for a week.

Mike Jacobs: Mikey signs himself up for a personally guided, deluxe tour of a tobacco plantation in North Carolina . By upgrading to the “Four Star Jefferson Davis Gentleman Package” he ensures himself a tour of the local Red Man Chewing Tobacco Plant. Mike never gets to the plant because he is repeatedly caught picking tobacco leaves off the plants and stuffing them into his mouth, upon which the tour guide penalizes him by force feeding him 4 lbs of horrible North Carolina barbeque.

Yuniesky Betancourt: Yuniesky loves Clubbing so somehow through a friend of a friend he ends up in London and never leaves, making Victor’s parade through Europe in Rules of Attraction look like an eagle scout convention. He is absolutely amazed what money can buy you in the old country and he discovers the rewards of well fitting clothes. Next season, expect Sir Yuniesky to roll like Willie Mays Hays in well tailored slim fitting suits, while the Arctic Monkeys replace the Buena Vista Social Club on his day for clubhouse music.

David DeJesus: David looks like someone who knows how to spend money and he recently discovered that his Grandfather's name was D'Amici so he now thinks he's Italian. Its off to the home land this offseason; he hits-up fashion shows in Milan, checks out Michelangelo in Florence, does the Coliseum and Vatican in Rome and eats pizza in Naples before renting a Yacht to float around off the Amalfi Coast.

It’s Cocktail Hour

Now that the winter meetings have kicked off and the GM’s are meeting at the O’Hare Hilton instead of the ocean view St. Regis in California, it means that cocktail season is fully upon us.

I know Brian Cashman and all the “joey workaholics” of the baseball world claim they do nothing but stay locked in their room, working on “deals”.

However, some of the these people must get out and about and at least do some “dinner deals”. You know, a little trip down to the Hotel Bar? I mean seriously Gents, it’s not as if you are in the war room with Bernanke, Geithner and crew working on keeping the world economy afloat. But then…maybe arguing over AIG is no different than arguing about Miguel Olivo’s free agent value.

Keeping with the jovial spirit of deal making here I am going to outline what I think each current Royal would order at our hypothetical cocktail party down in the hotel bar. Just note that while attempting to steer on the complete side of politically correct, we might blurr a couple of stereotype rules here.

If you really have any qualms about them, run them by Jason Whitlock for confirmation before launching full assault.

Dayton Moore - One always must know what the boss drinks. I’ll bet Dayton fancies himself as a real Don Draper type, but if you gave him an Old Fashioned he’d probably turn up his nose and say “it tastes like alcohol”.

My guess is that while he wishes he could set there and slug scotch with Don till the wee hours of the morning, Dayton thinks he’s cool asking the bartender which beers he has on tap, taking a minute to decide and then proudly announcing that he’ll have the “blue honkers October pumpkin stout red ale with brusslesprout strands”. Dayton will think he is the first person that “started drinking this back when it was a “micro brewery”. He’ll also probably overpay.

John Buck - Johnny Buck Hunter can handle a shot of Jack when need be, and has choked down a vodka drink once at a wedding. However, I’ll bet John actually nods his head in agreement at those Bud Light commercials that talk about “drinkability”. Big Buck never strays off the Anheiser –Busch ranch.

Mike Jacobs – Mike got kicked out of the bar before he could get to it because someone around 5’-6” accidently bumped into him and Mike tried to start a fight. Of course he swung and missed.

Kyle Farnsworth - Kyle sneaks his own flask of Wild Turkey 100 into the club. Every now and then he summons “babe” the cocktail waitress over to bring him a vodka and Rock Star. He shows up loaded and leaves even more loaded. Kyle spends most of the night alone, starring at people through his shooter glasses he has tinted for when he “clubs”.

Gil Meche – Gil might get the classy award here. Gil’s been making some money for a bit and actually might know what goes into a drink that includes a spirit, mixer and ice. He might even enjoy a vodka tonic. Gil banters with everyone while dressed in jeans, collared shirt and sport coat.

Willie Bloomquist – Willie doesn’t get past the doorman because he forgot his ID. When he tells the doorman that he plays major league baseball they immediately call the police.

Alex Gordon – Alex struts in wearing an Abercrombie t-shirt, cargo shorts and flip-flops with his baseball hat on. All he knows it that it was really awesome when he used to go out to the Husker Shucker back in college. Alex drinks Bud Light draughts and Jaeger bombs. The bar quits serving him after a couple of rounds because Alex thinks “keeping the change” on four dollars for his $3.75 beer is a quality tip.

Jose Guillen – Jose drinks Patron like water. But that’s only because he saw Daddy Yankee and El Hector doing it in one of their reggaeton videos a couple of years ago. Jose gets much taller and much tougher with each hit of Patron. By the end of the night he begins to make outrageous predictions such as playing an entire season uninjured.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Mr. Betancourt doesn’t even know what his favorite drink is. The man holds his booze well and if you’re looking to “let’s go get a shot”, well Yuniesky is your man. It could be acid injected with swine flu and he pounds it down. His clothes however, would make a Turkish casino goer blush.

We’ll continue this list as time progresses. Perhaps after a walk off home run, the reporter should ask “what is your favorite drink”, instead of “what was going through your mind at that particular moment”. At least we might get an answer.

Part II: So much to do...with so little

This is the follow-up to a previous post, which will now focus on this offseason trying to undo what happened last season and how best to move forward with a team that might be able to compete in the worst division in baseball. The Royals surprised the world and were active in early trading when they shipped Mark Teahen to the White Sox for Chris Getz and Josh Fields - so far so good they shaved a few bucks and got two players who may yet still have a future.

The following is an evaluation and prediction of what will happen in the foreseeable future, note the assumption that Mike Jacobs is not in the future plans has been made:

Bullpen: Shockingly the Royals did not have the worst (ERA-wise) bullpen in baseball, the Nationals beat them out for that honor and they finished second worst. Truthfully the bullpen is the biggest crap shoot in all of baseball and the best thing to do would be for them to let out a collective "F**k you JOBU I'll do it myself" move on from last year and hope that their straight ball doesn't get hit so hard.

Bullpen Predictions: More of the same, they will find at least one guy for which they can overpay and Soria will need Tommy John surgery after trying to become the first three inning closer.


Catcher: This is a prickly one; do you overpay for Big Buck Hunter or Olivo or do you risk putting all of your eggs in one basket with Brayan Pena. If its a new look you want to see, this is actually the best place to find it, bid adieu to Buck and Olivo thank them for a Job well...Done and cross your fingers with Brayan Pena, maybe tell Willie to try on a catcher's mitt during the offseason - he actully has respectable offensive numbers for a back-up catcher.

Catcher Prediction: Olivo will think he's worth a multi year deal, run away from the Royals and they'll panic into signing Buck again giving them maybe the worst defensive platoon behind the plate in all the majors.


Outfield: This is where they could get themselves into a lot of trouble trying to get better.

CF: While we would all love to see them go out and get a difference maker in center field, we are just the organization to overpay for an aging injury prone CF and be waiting until his contract is up (see Guillen 3yr/$36mil). I've also read in the wide world of Royals blogging that there is some thought about trying to re-sign CoCo Puffs, even at a discounted price this is playing with fire. Best case scenario; Mitchy gets the job and improves just a little bit.

CF Prediction: We are going to sign Mike Cameron to a 4yr $50mil deal.

LF: David DeJesus, we'll take the same year as last year with a sprinkle of hitting in April and May. Another option, DJ might be our best trade bait; good numbers both using standard and metric measuring units at a reasonably cheap price. The brutal truth is that we can't be any worse of a team without him - they are 202 games below .500 during his formative years (2004-2009) as a Royal - so why not see if we can't get a good prospect haul in return and hope to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

LF Prediction: DJ has another DJ-like year and gets traded to the Mets at the all-star break when the Royals are yet again out of the race.

RF: Dream Scenario; Guillen takes his medication, pumps some iron with Hanz and Franz, wakes-up to realize that this is his last year with these kind of insane game checks and he plays a full season and puts up respectable right field numbers while hitting 5th behind a resurgent Alex Gordon and AL triple-crown threat Billy Butler. Sounds nice right; well that's all we've got Royals fans, so cross your fingers and say your prayers.

RF Prediction: Guillen punches out a fan in spring training, gets his release and we see an all-too-familiar platoon of Lil'Willie and Mitchy.

Infield: This is/was pretty much set, barring injuries, except for the wild cards of Mike Aviles and the new Teahen haul of players.

3B: Alex, Alex he's our man if he can't do it no one can! This is about the size of it, they just need a moderate break-out year from him, an Evan Longoria type year would be lovely, but truthfully we'll take a Joe Randa year. The new Teahen pick-up is something to consider but not really worth the time here.

3B Prediction: Alex has an average year and we're exited about what he might be able to do in 2011!!!

SS: Since, according to the WAR/UZR-lovers out there, Betancourt is one of the worst players in the history of baseball, the best case would be for Mike Aviles to beat him out and to be anywhere near 80% of what he was in 2008.

SS Prediction: A Betancourt/Aviles platoon becomes indistinguishable and futile so they go out and get Miguel Tejada.

2B: This was, up until the Teahen trade, somewhat of a sure thing with Callaspo coming off an impressive offensive year with some defensive question marks. A .300 switch-hitting second baseman with a little pop, sounds pretty good to me. Now speculation is running wild that he will be traded and we are going with the ever so slight defensive upgrade in Jody Getz.

2B Prediction: Callaspo is traded because he can't run or field in exchange for players that will amount to nothing in the future and some lucky team gets a good hitting second baseman...maybe the Cubs???

1B: In a perfect world either this new chap in the Teahen deal or someone from AAA (Kila Ka'aihue, anyone?) would look like a coordinated professional athlete at 1B and allow Billy to move to his natural position of DH because Guillen and Jacobs no longer need to be hidden there. However, we are talking Royals baseball here and a perfect world it will not be.

1B Prediction: Billy spends an inordinate amount of time stumbling around chasing balls thrown by the infielders and puts up about the same not-quite-superstar numbers as last year.


Starting Pitching: Nothing crazy here, it looks like this should be the team's strongest area. Give Hoch one more shot, a repeat Grienke year, Banny just needs to maintain his first half numbers for a full year, Gil goes back to being the workhorse he was, and Kyle Davies or Robinson Tejeda round it out, any kind of break out performance from someone in the minors would be great but no one wants to see a Bruce Chen/Sidney Ponson type signing in the rotation.

Starting Rotation Prediction: The front office will get nervous about not having a lefty in the rotation and sign Jared Washburn for 3yrs $36mil because he also formerly played for Seattle and this automatically means the Royals want him.


A lot of questions and unfortunately not a lot of answers; do they need new players, do they just need their own players to perform or are they just hopeless? We will all wait in anticipation for April to roll around and we can get some answers. In the meantime it should be an interesting offseason watching Dayton play Jenga with our already very shaky Royals team.

2008/2009 Offseason Moves Revisited

Coming off maybe one of the worst offseasons possible (hindsight being 20/20 and excluding the Grienke signing), the Royals will now look to fill some holes throughout the winter. This is a two part series; first an evaluation of last year and then a prediction of what they might be looking for this offseason.

Farny: At 2 years 9 mil, this pick-up looks like putting your life savings into General Motors. Hopefully the odds are with the Royals and no one could have back-to-back years as counterproductive as this one was for Farny.

Willie: Some people (not me) might try to convince you that this was a good pick-up and are excited about having this little spark-plug around for another year. While others might say that anyone in AAA could have filled his spot at a discounted price. Unfortunately for the Royals some people got hurt and allowed him to nudge his way into the everyday line-up (not his job), the fact that he has to carry every glove except the catcher's mit in his bag means that he does not have a position therefore he should not start. Provided there are no big injuries next year this will help to reduce Willie sightings on the starting line-up card. However in the overall scheme of things compared to Farny and Jose Guillen this is a much less salient mistake.

CoCo Puffs: For a brief period of time, many moons ago, this looked like a pretty solid pick-up, a real center fielder and a real lead-off hitter, this rarity had not been seen in the royals line-up for too long to remember. However, things went sour in a hurry and CoCo turned into just another money-pit. The worst thing the Royals could do would be to pick-up his option (over $8 mil), just give him his $500,000 buy-out and accept the possibility of Mitchy being our everyday center fielder.

Mike Jacobs: Seemed like a good experiment, the Royals had not had a 30 homer guy since Jermaine Dye was just a pup. Many strike-outs (and not enough homers) later this $3mil would have been better off placed on the long shot winning an exacta-box at your local OTB. Oh, did we mention that he apparently is unable to play the field in the majors at the ripe age of 28 - basically there is no reason to believe that Mike Jacobs even deserves to play in the majors next year.

Juan Cruz: See Farny. At least Cruz had a brief period of productivity, but after the All-Star break he decided he would be playing for the other team in the 8th inning. Again the hope is that he can't be that bad two years in a row, hopefully he'll get some home cooking this off-season and put on enough weight to stick it out for a full season.

As if this dead horse hadn't been beaten and beaten and beaten I thought this recap was necessary before delving into a what to do this offseason, since the 2008/9 group yielded nothing, plugged no holes and actually sprung more leaks part II will be an experiment in fantasy GM-ing...

Fun With Line-Up Cards

Enough is enough sports fans and since we thrown the ashes of Ron Mahay over the edge of the ship, let us have some fun. As punishment for an abysmal season, we shall fill out a line-up card that places current members of the squad in positions that they would hate to play. We are going for misery here, the good old fashioned suffering kind (as in making Jeremy Affeldt throw hay bales without gloves…we’ll show you what real blisters look and feel like, Jeremy.)

1. Bryan Pena CF

I actually kind of like Pena, but it would be nice to see his dumpy butt have to run out to center field every inning. By the fifth, he should have to race Sluggerrr to the centerfield wall. First one to touch the 400 sign wins. Morning line favorite is Sluggerrr.

2. Mark Teahen C

Yes sir, I want pretty Markus to have to strap on the old shin guards. Then I want Kyle Farnsworth to work on his split finger pitch on a particularly bad day (like after he has blown 9,023,402,398 consecutive holds), in a sauna, using the thin little Wilson chest protectors, after a Jeep Jamboree has occurred in front of the plate, and I want Mark to BLOCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE THEM. For every ball that he doesn’t block to land squarely in front of the plate, his punishment will be to drive in a run from third base with less than two out. That should scare him to death.

3. Josh Anderson, 3B

If Josh thinks that ground balls hit to him in the outfield are tough (particularly the kind that he ends up kicking enough to lend the other team an inside the park home run), well Josh will take great solace in holding down the old hot corner with Bruce Chen pitching and Vladimir Guerrero up to bat on a 2-0 count. And Josh….take away the bunt, would you please.

4. Zach Greinke, Team psychologist

Actually Zach loves to hit and unfortunately would probably be an adequate four hole on this team, so this one doesn’t really count. We don’t call him Zoloft Greinke for nothin’.

5. Billy Butler, SS

This one is easy, but watching Pugsly give chase to balls up the middle and have to dive and stuff might take my eyes of Sluggerrr for an inning or two. Plus, I’ll bet Billy’s under pressure double play turn is lightening quick. Fifteen cleat-marks on the thigh later, maybe Billy will give jumping after he throws a whirl.

6. Dayton Moore, 1B

Attempting dig Mr. Anderson’s throws from shallow left, because that’s how scared he is and Billy’s standard four hopper across diamond, in conjunction with some Dr. Greinke’s prescription pills, might cause Dayton to quit signing people like Kyle Farnsworth, Bruce Chen and Ron Mayay. Oh, and don’t forget Mark Teahan’s snap throw from the knees.

7. Jose Guillen, Bud Light Vendor

Actually I would pay $500 to make Jose tramp up a whole bunch of stairs, in the KC August heat, wielding a cooler of beers, yelling at the top of his lungs and then come over to me, twist one off, and smile while I tip him the bottle cap. Jose might get in shape on this one, strengthen up those hamstrings and reduce his backyotomy rate by half. In reality anything requiring effort would work here….and Jose, could you get me the really cold one at the bottom please.

8. Mike Jacobs, 2B

I don’t have anywhere else to put him, but you know in the movie Major League when Willie Mays Hays has to do ten pushups every time he hits a pop up in batting practice? Well, we’ll do the same with Mike. Every time he doesn’t hit a home-run or double, he has to go a day without chewing Red Man. Heads up Durry Inn.

9. Yuniesky Betancourt, P

Wait a second, this is his natural position. He’s lazy, has a good arm, no range and can’t hit his rear-end with either hand. Solid middle relief is on the way in 2012, in Mr. Betancourt and Tony Pena Jr.

Two-hole Rant

Watching Tokyo Trey fill out the line-up card everyday with Willie Bloomquist at #2 has become an unbearable source of frustration. The merits of Willie playing everyday are in and of themselves highly questionable but with Gordon having been inexplicably sent down to the minors its either him or Josh Anderson in Right so unless we plan on giving John Buck or Brayan Pena a shot in Right I'll take Willie on most days. Which leads us to the question of why he should be hitting 2nd everyday - his numbers are at best those of a major league 9-hole hitter - when we have one very good candidate for a classic two-hole hitter and another option far better than Willie. Lets start with the obvious, On Base Percentage, Lil' Wil currently sports a .301 OBP (yes, for all of the anti Mike Jacobs sentiment out there he actually gets on base more than Willie), while Callaspo carries the third highest on the team at .342 and Mr. Teahen gets on base at a rate of .336. Remember these are the guys hitting in front of Billy Butler, the ONLY hitter that can be confused for a run-producer on the team, MORE GUYS ON BASE EQUALS MORE RBI FOR BILLY. Fun facts: Callaspo is the best contact hitter on the team (best BB/SO ratio) and Teahen leads the team in runs scored.

Lets think about what is going on in Trey's brain for one sec, I'm guessing his thinking would go like this; speed speed speed, Willie fast, Willie steal bases, Willie bats 2nd. Teahen and Callaspo have 31 and 30 doubles respectively while Willie has gone for a grand total of 7. Do his stolen bases make-up for this? 18 SB + 7 2B = 25, so no they don't and Teahen even steals a few bases and runs quite well.

Future development; in a perfect world yes, Teahen would be our everyday 5-hole hitter, knock in 100, hit 25 homers, but if he has proven anything it is that he will not be this guy, although who knows maybe it is still worth a shot given the alternatives. However, Callaspo is in no way an ideal run producer but he could be the Royals starting 2nd basemen and 2-hole hitter for a few years, are we grooming Willie for this? I really hope not.

What is one of if not the biggest problem for the Royals? Scoring Runs. Why don't we want our best OBP guys hitting in front of Billy Butler? Is it too obvious? Doesn't there have to be an explanation? This is just Trey at his best; confusing, frustrating and dissappointing. For all of the tinkering with the line-up that he does one of the constants is that if Willie plays he hits two-hole, wouldn't you think at some point he would get around to this change? Actually with Trey not trying this makes the most sense.

Ok, some ground rules

I’m not sure on the pure mathematics of the situation, but let us say, for arguments sake, that the Royals are eliminated from playoff contention (make sure your “years without a playoff –birth-O meter” has the capacity to read “24”, and if the price is right you might want to upgrade to the three digit model now before they get to pricy).

With that out of the way, we shall develop a small working list of ground rules that the front office might want to use as some light reading material in order to avoid some of the pitfalls famous in these glorious past 23 years of blowout success.

1) The propensity to fall in love with small in stature, soft-tossing left-handers, particularly of the aging variety must cease. Darrel May, Chris George, Brian Anderson, Jimmy Gobble, Bruce Chen (see the pattern). If you must stop gap measure at least make sure that if Mars, Saturn and the planetary motions line up, that the pitcher should fool at least one major league hitter.

2) If the man’s first name is “Bruce” and his last name is “Chen”, never, never, never, sign him. Call-up either the Section 4 peanut vendor in Wilmington or Mr. Chen’s youngest son or daughter, all of whom warrant sucking up a 25 man roster space way more than the Brucemeister.

3) Any signee over the age of 30, who is promised more than $1.5 million per annum must post a performance bond of at least 80% of the total contractual amount. Of course no player will agree to such terms. This might deter our fearless front office from paying old people way too much money to put up numbers the average AA ballplayer produces between trips to Golden Corral on his $15 a day per diem.

4) A player over the age of 30 must out hit a younger prospect by at least 20% in all offensive categories.

An example: Willie “the sparkplug” Bloomquist should not receive his own Macy’s Day Parade and key to the city for hitting .257 with 3 hr and 21 RBI. (Willie now has nine, (9), neuf, neuve, CAREER home runs).
Thus a comparable, strapping, young lad down in AA who would actually make someone on the street not guess “junior, junior, vice vice vice president at Sprint” as his occupation, would have to be able put up the following numbers: 0.214, 2.5 hrs, 17.5 RBI….ect…On second thought, just have open tryouts on the concourse level of the renovated K two hours before each game. Or…there is always Craigslist.

Again this is a working list and shall be updated every time Bruce Chen gets a start.

It's time...

For Willie Bloomquist to stop occupying a spot where someone else should be, with his average now under .260, him hitting in the two-hole just doesn't make any sense. Alberto Callaspo's numbers are exactly what you want out of this spot in the order and Trey's insistence on hitting Willie in that position is now costing the team runs - .050 difference in OBPS on the guy hitting in front of Billy Butler. Remember all of those wasted doubles hit by Butler and Callaspo??? The Royals are never going to be anything more than what they are with a lifelong utility player taking potential everyday players out of the starting line-up. Willie is an excellent player to have on the bench but he should never, ever, on any respectable ball club (presumably what the Royals strive to be) get more than 250-300 at bats (case-in-point 165abs with a 100 loss Seattle club last year). It was at least excusable when he was hovering around .280 but at .257 he is hurting the development of a team.

A younger Ryan Freel

The Royals went out and made a big splash right before the trade deadline; stealing speedy outfielder Josh Anderson off waivers, which is great news because it will allow Willie to move to his natural position in Right Field.

Apparently there is not one single player on the team that is even worthy of a player-to-be-named-later deal or even the standard salary dumping deal; cash plus incentives, unless I'm mistaken and were still in it.

Today's Lesson: 1st Base

Ti Chi Trey most likely spent the remainder of his All-Star break in a closed room doing unmentionable things with a line-up card in his hand. Why? Because managers, especially managers that fancy themselves as “thinking men” LOVE to believe that a World Series is simply a line-up card adjustment away.

Now Ti Chi gets to put his hamster to running at full tilt and live every manger’s wet dream of “shuffling his line-up to create the best match-ups”. While Trey would be better off settling for a $300 PS3 set up, it will be interesting to see what Tokyo does with Mike Jacobs. Since the Royals appear to be the only organization in baseball with a penchant for drafting and trading for true first baseman, settling the current log jam should be a good show. Side note: You don’t draft first basemen, they end up there. The same way the University of Oklahoma or Florida do not recruit defensive tackles; You eat your way into that position after you were a linebacker in high school.

Today we tackle 1st Base ; Let us count the ways:

Billy Butler (“Wilhelm”- Nickname conjured up because he looks like one of those fat, spoiled little European members of the aristocracy. Think the fat German kid in the original Willy Wonka movie).

Wilhelm is only 23, and actually makes the outfielders play a true outfield depth, unlike some members of current roster who compel centerfielders to sometimes cover 2nd base on a steal in first and third situations.

Mike Jacobs – Michael might want to apply for the job of area district manager for Red Man Chewing Tobacco. Mikey is barking up the tree of being 29 years old AND STILL CAN’T BEAT OUT WILHELM BUTLER AT FIRST BASE!!!!!!! If you can’t beat out Billy Butler at any position requiring movement, whether it is square dancing or doing the Macarena, and you don’t hit .300, 35 hr and .400 obp, then maybe you should invest in a new future. Mike – Starting hitting the ball far, Durry Inn style, at a high frequency, very quickly or you might have a good drinking buddy down in Omaha named Tony Pena Jr.

Mark Teahen - Markuss was on ebay this morning scoping out first basemits. What can you say, the guy is like a investment bank earnings sheet. The numbers look good, it says you are making money, but then poof, there is no actual cash coming in. But in the depths of his ginsung green tea binges Mr. Hillman only has a stat sheet to go by and the man is actually hitting .294.

My call, give Wilhelm the nod and just play him every day and forget about the rest. He is 23 and actually has a chance to become one of those hitters that every other team seems to have, you know the one who the other team actually bothers to go over in the reports before the game. Rotate Markuss around the outfield and 3rd until Jose Gullien either has a mental breakdown or gets suspended.

2nd half line-up (incl. Betancourt & Gordon)

Topic of conversation:

What will the team look like when these two guys arrive to solidify our struggling and ever-changing line-up, how much will twin spark plugs little Willie and Ryno Freel play? Will TPJ finally be cast off to the island of Angel Berroa? Will they actually have the same line-up for more than two consecutive days????? Apparently Trey thinks not and is ecstatic about the opportunity to "tinker" with the line-up even more...

“It gives us the latitude to have Betancourt at short, Teahen or Gordon at third and (Alberto) Callaspo or Bloomquist at second,” Hillman said. “It gives us the ability to move guys around a little bit and keep some bodies fresher.”

Best Guess:

1) DeJesus CF (the hand your delt)
2) Maier/Willie/Freel CF-LF-RF-SS-2B (Callaspo is too obvious in the 2-hole)
3) Billy 1B-DH (hopefully some of those doubles start to get over the fence)
4) Tehan 3B-1B-LF-RF (the prototype 4-hole body with 2-hole numbers)
5) Jose LF-RF-DH (one day he'll go on one of those crazy power streaks again)
6) Gordon 3B (still waiting Alex)
7) Callaspo 2B (the lone bright spot in the line-up hits 7-hole)
8) Olivo C (please keep Buck out of the everyday line-up)
9) Betancourt SS (just field well and play everyday, pretty please)