If I were Dayton Moore I would send this, via certified mail to young Zachary.
Dear Zach –
I am writing to inform you that the times have changed and you will no longer be treated as a human being with a future, but rather as an Iron Mike Pitching machine at a run-down Putt-Putt golf course. Zach, when you signed that four-year deal in January of 2009, let’s face it, you and the Royals were both hedging a bet. You were looking for some solidarity after losing your mind and the Royals were basically buying a growth stock, at a reasonable price, they thought might turn into the next Google. As the fine gentlemen from Goldman Sachs have iterated over the past week, when two people hedge the same thing, someone looses.
Well Zach, out of necessity the Royals are going to have to go Goldman Sachs on you and basically make you wish you never signed that deal. Zachary, I don’t know if you have looked around or read the newspapers lately, but the Royals bullpen is the most pathetic collection people demonstrating overhand throwing that have come around in quite some time.
Zach, I had to call Bruce Chen up from Omaha to pitch out of the pen. I have received death threats from the Powder Blue Room for signing Bruce Chen originally, much less recalling him a year after the sport of baseball did everything in their power to pull his union card out of embarrassment. My 8 year old daughter has personally requested Bruce to come throw live to her traveling softball team so the squad can “build some confidence in a game time environment”.
I will finally get to my point. Zach, although I respect your future as a baseball player I regret to inform you that at the conclusion of the contract you will not so much as be able to shoot a game of pool. From this point forward we will be treating you like that kid who throws really hard for a 10 year-old in 10 year-old traveling baseball tournaments. This means you will be throwing every single chance in every single game in which it is possible. This will be easier than in those traveling youth baseball tournaments due to the fact that Major League Baseball does not have one of those pesky “maximum amount of innings pitched in so many games” rules.
As far as your duties as a starting pitcher, you will no longer come out of any game, for any reason. I mean this. I have forced Trey Hillman to adorn a shock collar I borrowed from my German shorthair hunting dog with a distance boost on the signal which I will use in spades should I so much as see the toe of his shoe on the top step the dugout.
I will not continue to reduce your manhood any further by making you give a baseball to Bruce Chen, Dusty Hughes, Josh Rupe and crew with thousands of people watching. I will monitor all pitch counting devices via Chinese internet monitoring equipment and prosecute any offenders found counting pitches within the 50 mile radius of Kansas City by making them spend everyday of their remaining lives sitting at the bar at McFadden’s listening to “Shot through the heart and your too brave” while drinking water.
Concerning your relieving duties for which you are eligible on any day in which you do not start, please consider the following; If I have to choose between watching Josh Rupe walk someone or wheeling you out on a Red Cross bed, I choose the later. Little league managers are rational. If Toby the Fireballer is on his 2,209th pitch of the “4th of July Blowout Baseball World Series of all World Series’ of all of Youth Baseball” Mr. Little League Manager simply says, “But if I put in that pathetic chump Gary’s kid in there, this child with a full beard will use his glorified airplane wing of a bat to hit the ball onto the next complex where the Chicago Traveling Firepants Sox are playing”.
You know what Mr. Little League Manager does? He decides that perhaps Toby needs to run pitches 2,210 through 2,213 up to the plate to get the heck out of the inning so that they might play the Chicago Traveling Firepants Sox in Sunday’s final. This is how it’s done. Don’t take Toby out unless you have someone better to put in. Toby will be fine, he’s young. Nothing that a 20 piece from McDonald’s and an Eastbay catalog can’t take of. You too Zach are young, especially when graded against the median age of the Royals bullpen.
Zach, we have no one better to put in the game. This has been demonstrated. I realize you might seek council and sue the organization for damages and lost income on your next contract. Chances are I will be scouting 17 year-olds in the Atlanta suburbs for the Braves by that point, so go ahead. In fact, we might let fans at The K vote with those things they used in America’s Funniest Home Viedos as to when you should come into the game on days in which you are not starting. Trey does not get a vote. I might summon Goldman Sach’s themselves to create an index which tallies the total amount of innings you will throw by the conclusion of your contract. You most surly will recoup some of your potential lost earnings by joining me in placing large bets going “long” on this index.
I understand this is not fair nor correct, but you signed the contract. Until I can get over my urge to sign middle aged relievers this is the way it must be. At least you will have the liberal media on your side, you know they will come to your rescue.
We will be upgrading the ice making facilities in your honor, it’s the least I can do,
Sorry again,
Dayton
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